My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Meeeee too!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.