My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
guilty
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green