*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
You Might Also Like
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha