You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?