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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
put ‘er there pardner!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’