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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
and now we wait
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!