the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
You Might Also Like
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.