My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent