If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Hank is one in a melon.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’m literally crying
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.