Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My circle of trust is a meatball
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are