I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now