My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*