I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!