*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you鈥檝e had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold pi帽atas than you can shake a stick at.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
馃敠馃寵馃懀
Sometimes I鈥檓 out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I love all my family members and wouldn鈥檛 sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
when girls eat strawberries it鈥檚 like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it鈥檚 weird???? ok
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*