Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Just a reminder, folks:
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08