“Sheer Arrogance”
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The asteroid..
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it