I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good