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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.