Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*