kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Human are so complicated
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT