Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I have never related to anyone more.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.