Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.