To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.