*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You Might Also Like
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.