My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You Might Also Like
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant