cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
The struggle is real
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
scared to check what name she chose
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?