I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night