Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it