“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”