honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.