If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
ready to be harvested
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”