[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You Might Also Like
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.