Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.