There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.