Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win