the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
This is a sub tweet