when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I can also cook 😂
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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