[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
#Caturday
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.