Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
one of
Admin smashed it 😂
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.