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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.