Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!