How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.