I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.