I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores