I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
fixed it
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I am, perchance
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF