very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.