FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Festive toon…
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.