I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom