An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
tis the season
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me if I was a dog
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem: