Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize